There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
