his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
