I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I did not marry a roomba.
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