every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
