She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish I only lived at night.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
