before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just had sex bonerless
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
