Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
