Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
