im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize