You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize