I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize