Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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