you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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