dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize