woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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