I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
