nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
