All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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