I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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