I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
