"it" just moved
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
