Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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