So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
