I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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