very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
