No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
