I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
