its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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