I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
