I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
