You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
