if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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