i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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