Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
