It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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