I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
