i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
