If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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