Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
