i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
my liver is dry heaving
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
