I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
