can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize