The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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