i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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