Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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