I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
