True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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