i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Mom said you looked used
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
