I'm going to jail i love you
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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