I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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