we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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