I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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