He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
