u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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