i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
