The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
