Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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